Here’s a history lesson for you…
Here’s a history lesson for you…
If you want to view lots of funny, stupid videos, then You Tube is the place to go.
Some of the funniest are by a couple of chinese guys, called the Back Dormitory Boys. They make spoof music videos, including the one below of the Backstreet Boys’ song “As Long As You Love Me“.
Their names are Huang Yi Xin and Wei Wei and they are university students at Guangzhou Arts Institute, majoring in Scuplture. For more info on them and their videos goto tian.cc. Of all their videos, Radio In My Head is my favourite. To prove that they don’t always get it right first time, here’s a couple of bloopers of its making: 1, 2. ABC News recently did an article on them.
His work decorates the streets, walls, bridges and zoos of towns and cites throughout the world. His stencils show monkeys with weapons of mass destruction, policeman with smiley faces, rats with drills, and umbrellas.
My favourites are his latest works – Segregation Wall, Palestine.
1.Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
3.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
4.McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
5.Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
6.Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre
7.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
8.He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
9.The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
10.Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
11.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
12.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
13.The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
14.The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
15.Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
16.Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
17.The plan was simple, like my mate Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
18.The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.
19.He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
20.Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”
21.She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
22.The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
23.The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free flashpoint.
24.The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
25.It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
26.He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
27.She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
28.She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
29.She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
30.Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
31.It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been travelling through to Edinburgh to see some shows at the Edinburgh Festival. I saw the Chinese State Circus & Wushu Warriors, Russian Cossack dancers and a korean martial arts/dance show called Yin-Yang.
I also saw the Australian show Puppetry of the Penis which was rather painful to watch – funny, but I doubt I’ll buy a ticket to see it again.
Another funny show was Nigerian Spam Scam Scam with Dean Cameron. After receiving spam email from Nigeria, Dean Cameron assumed the identity of a sexually confused Florida millionaire, whose only companions are his houseboy and cats, and began a 9 month correspondence with the scammer. With Victor Isaac as the bewildered Nigerian, the show, taken from the actual letters, documents the hilarious relationship which descends into misunderstanding, desperation, and deception
One of the last shows i went to was I Miss Communism by the Croatian American actress Ines Wurth. It was a one woman show all about her life growing up in Yugoslavia during its communist period and then leaving for America, and about her mother and grandmother. It was a good show, but a bit weird – one minute comedy, the next minute she’s telling you how some Serbian soldiers tried to rape her…
However, the best show I went to was A Shut Up Comedy From Japan. In fact, it was so good I went to see it twice. It was a silent comedy, which involved mime and acrobatics, starring two Japanese guys called Ketch and Hiropon. I hope they’ll return next year – if they do I’ll definetly be going to see them again.
I watched an interesting little documentary today – The Story Of The Weeping Camel.
It followed a family of Mongolian nomadic shepherds, who assist in the births of their camel herd. One of the camels has an excruciatingly difficult delivery but, with help, out comes a rare white colt. Despite the efforts of the shepherds, the mother rejects the newborn, refusing it her milk and her motherly love. When any hope for the little one seems to have vanished, the nomads send their two young boys on a journey through the desert, to a town in search of a musician who is their only hope for saving the colt’s life.
The two boys travel to the town by camel, which I thought looked like fun. It got me thinking…. A couple of weeks ago, whilst visiting my local Health Club, a helicopter landed in the car park. I later discovered that it belonged to a club member. My initial reaction was “What a show off…can’t he just use a car like everybody else?”. But the more I thought about it, I thought good for him…if I had a helicopter I’d fly to the club myself, and to hell with what anybody else thinks. If you can afford to have a helicopter then you may as well use the damn thing.
Unfortunately, for me, my current desire to own a helicopter does not match my bank balance. However, after watching The Story Of The Weeping Camel I’m considering (temporarily) an alternative form of transport, other than my car – Yes folks…you’ve guessed it – a Mongolian camel! It would be eco-friendly after all. I wonder what my fellow club members would think, as I hopped off my camel, tied it up, and strolled through the enterance, tennis racket in hand??
However, where would I purchase one from? Would it be expensive to look after? Where would I keep it? I don’t think my garden is big enough. Even if it was I think my local ‘Residents Association’ would complain that its presence breached some rule or other – spoil sports…So until I can afford a helicopter, I want a camel…
I also watched Fahrenheit 9/11 this week. Michael Moore angrily examines the Bush administration’s actions in the wake of the tragic events of 9/11. Considering the presidency of George W. Bush and where it has led the U.S., he looks at how and why Bush and his inner circle avoided pursuing the Saudi connection to 9/11, Bush’s own connections to the family of Osama bin Laden and the background to the war in Iraq.
I my opinion Moore’s films are thought provoking and entertaining. But they’re often full of lies, half-truths and exaggerations, which often destroy what little credibility he has. I decided to go to see it (even though i knew it would be a totally biased view from Moore), because having watched his last documentary – Bowling for Columbine, I hoped it would be at the very least entertaining. How wrong was I….
I have since read an excellent review of Fahrenheit 9/11, by Christoper Tookey in the Daily Mail newspaper, which puts into words exactly what I feel:
“There’s little logical structure to his rambling arguments; he has no revelations to make; and much of the footage is already in the public domain. His most damaging assertions are either unsubstantiated or untrue – often both……”
“Its tone is one of personal hatred, with George Bush the scapegoat for everything that Moore thinks is wrong with America. This gives the film what cohesion it has and is clearly meant to make its audiences feel angrier and angrier, but it also makes for monotony and a feeling that truth is being over-simplified….”
“The second half of Moore’s uniquely repellent movie is about the inevitable losses and horrors brought about by any war, and exists simply to wring tears and outrage out of any audience cretinous enough to think that bombs and bullets don’t kill people.”
“The first half is rabble-rousing rhetoric so unscrupulous that it makes Nazi propaganda films look namby-pamby.”
“Moore cheerfully and cynically crams dozens of factual distortions into Fahrenheit 9/11. But he will make millions because he’s telling the Unthinking Left exactly the lies it wants to hear. Sitting through the film is almost as depressing as listening to the people who are taken in by it….”
“Moore’s most outrageous lie is to paint Saddam’s Iraq (which, of course, he’s never visited) as an idyllic place, full of jolly, smiling faces. I suppose that kind of footage was easier to find than photos of the thousands who disappeared into Saddam’s torture chambers, or all those Kurds he gassed, or the Kuwaitis that his men slaughtered…..”
“Still, its a pity that Moore couldn’t find time to make even one mention of Saddam’s history of intimidation, murder and genocide….”
“Even if it does turn out that Bush and Blair were misled into thinking Saddam had weapons of mass destruction (and he certainly had chemical weapons in the past), even Moore should be prepared to acknowledge that Saddam wanted these weapons, had the oil revenue to buy them and was ready to support terrorism in countries other than his own….”
“The evidence is clear, but Moore refuses to see it, preferring to cloud the issues in snide character-assassination and unsubstantiated innuendo..”
“I went into this film expecting it to be unscrupulously selective and intellectually dishonest; after all why would it be any different from Michael Moore’s other films? I did not expect it to be quite so lazy, incoherent, foolish and dull.”
Read this excellent article about the so called documentary.
For further info on Moore, order yourself a copy of: ‘Michael Moore Is A Big Fat Stupid White Man’
I read an interesting article in the Guardian today about a graffiti artist called Banksy….supposedly Britains No. 1 graffiti artist. Most graffiti that I’ve seen has been shit, no doubt done by some mindless morons. However, I wouldn’t mind seeing it if they were anywhere near as good as Banksy’s…..My favourites are his stencils. You can view some of his work in the Guardians galleries….
I was thinking about savants tonight…why?…I don’t know..I just was….anyway have you ever seen the film Rain Man with Dustin Hoffman (Raymond) and Tom Cruise? It’s a good movie about two brothers, one of whom (Raymond) is autistic – an idiot savant…..i.e. able to mentally calculate 127,458 x 23,843, etc but unable to tie his shoe laces….well I’m not going to explain the whole movie here – watch it for yourself…
But I digress, if you want to know what day you were born on then just ask Raymond. As for me….I was born on a Saturday……”That was a Saturday… yeah definitely Saturday. Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway every Saturday.”
Talking of idiot savants….who would be the first to fill-in a multiplication table and then run a 100-yard dash: Forrest Gump or Rain Man? Not as simple as it may sound….
I’ve just been reading some funny entries in prank.org, and they reminded me of a prank that I read about in a book a few years ago:
A local town was rocked by news of a brutal abduction. On a warm summer’s afternoon a dark car screeched to a halt outside the Kentucky Fried Chicken take-away restaurant in the High Street and a cardboard cut-out of the chains’ founder, Colonel Sanders was seized. But before the car roared off, tyres screeching in true gangster style, a note was thrown on to the doorstep of the eating house. It read: “We have kidnapped Colonel Sanders. We demand four large Kentucky Fried suppers, with Cokes, for his return. Place the dinners in the park opposite at 3pm or the Colonel gets it.”
In response to the kidnappers’ demands the store put the following note in its window:
We will not submit to extortion.
Return the Colonel at once.
The police have been informed.
The local population held its breath. They didn’t have long to wait. The next morning an envelope was received containing the Colonel’s severed ear and a note which read: “We’re not bluffing. This is your last warning. Pay up or else.”
The local Police spokesman talked, grim-faced, to the local paper: “We are obviously dealing with some very dangerous people. Anybody who would sever the ear of a cardboard dummy is capable of anything”.
A full-scale search of the local town was initiated. The heat was on. The kidnappers could at any moment be discovered and face the full wrath of the law. They reacted with a ruthlessness that would shock the whole town. On a dark Sunday night a package was thrown through the doorway of the take-away but not discovered until Monday morning. The horrified sales staff uncovered the dismembered remains of the Colonel. Attached to it was a final note. It said simply: “You were warned.”
Despite an extensive investigation by police, the kidnappers were never discovered. They remain at large to this day.