Personal website of Jonathan Cannovan
Posted by: In: Random 25 Nov 2001 0 comments

Unfortunately, for the last few days I’ve been preoccupied with sorting out my computer, as all of my data and software was completely wiped because Windows went haywire. Thankfully, all systems are now working fine……

Also, I’ve recently finished reading Picking Up the Pieces by Paul Britton, which was quite interesting – giving me an insight into the minds of the criminally insane – useful knowledge to have, considering some of the loonies I occassionally come across.

On my last visit to my local library I booked out Shooting from the Lip by Katie Puckrik…..a one time presenter of Channel 4′s The Word. Normally, I wouldn’t have given it much attention, but after flicking through some of the pages I found it to be quite amusing… I took it home. Did you know that when Puckrik was a kid she lived in Moscow, Soviet Union where her father worked for the US Embassy??? No, well neither did I. My favourite passage so far:

Some mornings as we neared the school gates, we'd pass loitering Russian kids who'd yell, 'You! Americanski! Capitalist!' at us.

A wiry Young Pioneer once blustered at me, ‘Money! You like money, don’t you?‘ like it was a trick question.

For me, the answer was easy.
‘Yeah, I like money. Don’t you?’

Not expecting to have his rhetoric redirected, the YP faltered somewhat.
‘You…you like money?’

This was getting tedious.
‘Yes! And wouldn’t you like a million roubles?

Hey – that wasn’t part of the script.
‘Americanski – you like money,’ he concluded, limply.

What was it to them, anyway? Didn’t these Muscovite mites have something better to do? The notion of me standing outside Lenin Learning Institute No. 45 screaming, ‘You! Collective Farmers! You like tractors, don’t you?‘ seemed preposterous. They’d obviously been getting too many sprinklings of propaganda on their bortsch.

Posted by: In: Entertainment, Random 26 Jan 2001 0 comments

I’ve just been reading some funny entries in, and they reminded me of a prank that I read about in a book a few years ago:

A local town was rocked by news of a brutal abduction. On a warm summer’s afternoon a dark car screeched to a halt outside the Kentucky Fried Chicken take-away restaurant in the High Street and a cardboard cut-out of the chains’ founder, Colonel Sanders was seized. But before the car roared off, tyres screeching in true gangster style, a note was thrown on to the doorstep of the eating house. It read: “We have kidnapped Colonel Sanders. We demand four large Kentucky Fried suppers, with Cokes, for his return. Place the dinners in the park opposite at 3pm or the Colonel gets it.”

In response to the kidnappers’ demands the store put the following note in its window:

We will not submit to extortion.
Return the Colonel at once.
The police have been informed.

The local population held its breath. They didn’t have long to wait. The next morning an envelope was received containing the Colonel’s severed ear and a note which read: “We’re not bluffing. This is your last warning. Pay up or else.”

The local Police spokesman talked, grim-faced, to the local paper: “We are obviously dealing with some very dangerous people. Anybody who would sever the ear of a cardboard dummy is capable of anything”.

A full-scale search of the local town was initiated. The heat was on. The kidnappers could at any moment be discovered and face the full wrath of the law. They reacted with a ruthlessness that would shock the whole town. On a dark Sunday night a package was thrown through the doorway of the take-away but not discovered until Monday morning. The horrified sales staff uncovered the dismembered remains of the Colonel. Attached to it was a final note. It said simply: “You were warned.

Despite an extensive investigation by police, the kidnappers were never discovered. They remain at large to this day.